Disasterpiece
by fake plastic trees
Summary: [Sleeping Beauty] You've never seen fairytales like this before. Pt II, where Riku prays to John Frieda, Sora is jealous from extended celibacy, and Yuffie runs about wearing a crown of berries. [crackfic]
1. The Not So Evil Curse

**disasterpiece**

_welcome to the warped world of fairytales_

_cinderiku_

_once upon a time, there lived a prince, born in a faraway land…_

"Oh, our son is the most handsome baby to ever grace the face of this planet!" boomed Ansem happily, nudging his disgruntled wife at the same time, "isn't he, my dear Maleficent?"

"Why, er- yes, of course," she muttered grudgingly.

"His name shall be Riku! With on 'k'! and the citizens will adore him!" Ansem continued, fist of passion in a blazingly triumphant stand that many would reminisce to be like some sort of victory pose.

"Of course, dear," Maleficent replied dully. The fish on the table was a little dry. Stifling a small burp, she smiled nervously as a spout of flame was spat out, and quickly extinguished by palace guards who were, incidentally, always armed with fire extinguishers.

"Well then Godo, I hope your daughter is up for my son! She won't be too much to handle, I'd wager," the king chuckled heartily as a three-year-old Yuffie bit his foot in retaliation. "Eh…"

"Down Yuffie," her father said sternly, and she frowned at him after removing her lockjaw from the other king's foot. Grossness. Undeterred, Ansem continued his speech filled with grandeur as his wife sat to the side, nodding rather irritably.

"Did you know that fairy godpeople are coming today? Heard they bestow quite fine gifts, yes indeed," the silver-haired king chortled cheerfully. As if on cue, a loud fanfare sounded, and the king chucked yet again. "And there they are!"

A mad with short brown hair stepped up to a platform and smoothed out his tights. "Presenting, the honorable guests of our kingdom, the fairy godpeo-" and was ruthlessly shoved aside by an extremely angry brown haired man.

"Get out of my way, you useless pouf," snapped the man, not looking apologetic in the least to the fallen man on the floor. The woman beside him shook her head, light brown hair tied up in a braid. The third in their party was an upbeat looking teenager, and other than the fact that one was practically looking for a reason to throttle another fancy-pants, the trio seemed relatively normal.

Oh, wait. They had wings, and were probably only five inches in height. That could be deemed a little odd.

Ansem, after recovering from the initial shock of possibly the most dangerous looking fairy _ever_, finally found his voice. "Good people! I thank you for coming here to bestow gifts upon my son!"

"Can we get on with the gift-giving please?" scowled the angry leather-decked fairy, and the woman smiled reassuringly at the king.

"He's just stressed about not being able to sleep his regular fifteen hours," the pretty fairy whispered conspiratorially. Little Yuffie tackled the angry fairy.

"You're smaaaalll," she drawled childishly at him, holding him by the translucent wings on his back. "Are these real?"

"Yes, now let go of me you little devil-spawned…"

The pretty fairy sighed as the angry one fought against a much larger foe. "Sora, you can go ahead and start. Leon will just have to go last."

"See what you've done, you little brat? Only the people they think give crappy gifts go in the end! HEY! LET GO OF MY HAIR!" Baby Yuffie merely giggled, grabbing another fistful of hair and tugging happily. Aerith sighed, and Sora took his cue.

He leaned over the baby, scrunching up his nose and grinning widely at the baby Riku who merely glared back up at him. "How cute. He's angry. I will give you that gift of strength. You will always beat every male you wind up meeting in anything! You shall prevail!" A swirl of magic descended down upon the child, who sneezed in response.

Aerith stepped up next. "I," she began with every inch of fairygodmother-ness, "will give you the gift of intellect. Your brilliance will outshine even the greatest stars."

The crowd oohed and aahed appropriately.

Leon, who had finally wrenched himself out of the hands of Yuffie, straightened and cleared his throat. "My gift will be the gift of – " He was rudely interrupted as the large doors slammed open behind him, and everybody in the room turned to squint through the fog to try and discern who was behind this undoubtedly rude interruption.

"AHAHAHAH! You thought you could get away without inviting me! Insolent fools!" Out of the mist, a slight form could be detected, floating into the room on what seemed to be a gigantic fruit. Or maybe it was a star. Everybody squinted a little harder.

"It's Kairi!" Aerith whispered in hushed tones, while Sora and Leon merely rolled his eyes. The girl was about as intimidating as a piece of cheese.

Sora took the opportunity to ask a question. "What the hell is she riding on?"

"You fool, Sora! Do you not know! It is a paopu fruit! The sole instrument that will bring upon the destruction of this kingdom! The ultimate weapon!"

Casting a glance towards Aerith, Sora whispered, "Isn't that the love fruit thing? Aerith, are you sure you hid the drugs? You didn't let her overdose on the wands, did you?"

"No, of course not!"

Kairi, growing more than a little irritated at the crowd, who'd began their own conversations while blatantly ignoring her, let a smirk creep upon her face. No, she wasn't evil. She was merely irritated because Leon, Sora, and Aerith left her back home since she took too long to get ready. Revenge made even the prettiest people go ugly, apparently.

"Out of the goodness of my heart," she began with a sickly sweet smile, "I've decided to also bestow my own gift on the Prince Riku." At this, Ansem grinned widely and whispered none-too-softly to his wife.

"Look Maleficent! _Four_ blessings! Our son's going to be incredible for sure!"

Kairi smiled again, which rapidly went from sweet to sinister under five seconds. "Darling prince. I will give you not a gift, but a curse!" a gasp ran quickly through the crowd, which turned apprehensive after she racked through her brain to find a properly evil curse. Damn the kind mind-process of a fairy. What she wouldn't give to be Leon right now…

Ah hah! The perfect curse! The sinister smile found it's way across her face once again. "I shall give you the curse of girlyness! From now on, all the girls you find beautiful will think you're a woman! HAHAHAHAHA!" Just like that, she kicked her paopu fruit and it zipped away quickly while she tried to hold on for dear life.

The crowd sat in stunned silence.

"Kind of ran out of juice near the end, didn't she?" Sora asked faintly. Aerith nodded rather slowly. At a nearby table, however, Ansem was taking this harder than they thought.

"HOW COULD THIS BE? HOW WILL WE HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? WHO WILL BE HIS HEIR?" he wailed while Maleficent patted him on the back awkwardly.

"There there, darling…"

"Oh, King, don't worry," the ever-chipper Sora interjected. "Leon still has his gift to make! Hey, where…is Leon exactly?" The King pointed solemnly at Yuffie, who giggled while dressing up the disgruntled fairy in a dress.

"Fairy! Fairy!" she chanted, eyes twinkling merrily. "Fairies are gay!" she chirped cheerfully, reciting her father's favorite remark. Leon scowled and bit her finger in protest before flying off towards Riku, muttering expletives and casting furtive glances back at the pouting toddler.

He stared at the baby lying in his crib and shook his head. "I feel for you. Just think: you'll have to marry her someday." Riku merely gurgled in response.

"Fear not, child," he began in the pseudo-hypnotic voice that fairies often used, "You won't be eternally mistaken for a female. When the right one comes along and bests you in a fight, the curse will be lifted, and you will be free to marry!" Aerith and Sora stared for a moment. Trust Leon to think up a semi-violent gift.

Godo glanced his still-pouting daughter. This was going to take some work.

**Next up: The fairies fight over Riku, Yuffie meets Riku as a teenager, and Kairi's still plotting somewhere in the background.**


	2. Living Dangerously

_It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Yuffie's shuriken headed for your face!  
__Oh dear._

**Disasterpiece**

To say that she was graceful would've probably gotten you kicked out of the kingdom. To say she was beautiful would get three very bloodthirsty hounds set on your tail. To say she was clumsy, which was the truth, would most probably earn a laugh. It was quickly learned that the best thing to do when dealing with one very moody little ninja was smile and laugh. Frequently.

Currently, said little ninja was standing in the middle of a circle, hands on her hips as she glared down her father's advisors.

"Please, Hime," one of the men said rather pleading, and she bristled at him calling her princess. "Your father begs that you return home to be fitted for your new kimono."

She was tapping her toe at the speed of Thumper the Bunny, and the look on her face could quite possibly warrant a few chills down their spines if she wasn't currently wearing a crown of berries around her head. (That was the only crown worth wearing, she'd informed them once. After all, if you were hungry, then just pull off a couple of berries. Problem solved.)

"Tell him I'm busy," she grumbled irritably, swatting away at their pleading figures and stomping off into the forest.

One of the advisors, Shake, shook his head. "Sometimes I really hate my job." He motioned towards to other men, and they stood forward, carrying a sack and looking rather apprehensive. "Go on now," he ordered tiredly at them, "Catch her."

"But, there's no way – "

"Catch her or else you'll mysteriously wake up one morning and find yourself incapable to reproduce, he means," another guardian spoke up, and the two men scurried off to their sure doom.

"Poor souls," muttered Staniv, and Shake nodded his head. "They don't get paid enough."

There were several yelps of pain up on the path ahead, and frequent yells of, "How d'you like me now, huh? Huh?" and more violent noises. The remaining men cringed when they saw the glint of her conformer and the shrill of boys that had once been men.

"I think we should leave," Staniv said faintly. The rest nodded.

"I think I need a drink," muttered a very green man.

_in another neck of the woods, three fairies are bickering…_

" – eriously, that's the best thing we can do for him right now!" exclaimed Sora, throwing his hands up in the air. "All these girls come up to him and expect him to know Kelly Clarkson lyrics, and he doesn't know a single verse! All I'm saying is, if you can beat 'em, join 'em!"

The two fairies stared at him unresponsively, and Aerith attempted to smile forcibly. "Sora, I really don't think he'd be too enamored with the idea of…"

"Transforming him into a drag queen?" Leon deadpanned, and for once, Aerith was grateful for his lack of subtlety. "I realize that you haven't exercised all of your wonderful future career fantasies, but I think this is more about you being jealous of him."

The response was immediate and indignant. "Jealous? Why would I be jealous? Just because all these girls want to be his best friend and tend to spill their feeling out to their so-called 'girlfriend' and he gets to comfort them? No, I don't think so!"

Staring eyes were all that answered him. "What?"

Aerith coughed quietly. "Back to the topic at hand. Since King Ansem didn't want the court to know that his son had been tainted by feminine traits, he decided to send his son to live with us. Now, sixteen years later, the boy is seventeen, and it becomes harder and harder with each passing day to comprehend the troubles that this youth must go through…" she continued on in her storyteller voice, and the group of children in front of her oohed and aahed appreciatively.

"Why is it that every time we're talking about something she just goes off into Creepy-Old Maid-Storyteller mode?" Sora whispered quietly to Leon, who shrugged.

Another voice spoke up. "So what were you guys talking about?"

Sora whipped around, smiling nervously at the silver-haired teenager who stood standing behind him with a look of askance on his face. "Oh, Riku, my dear, dear, super-cool, ultra-fast, super-strong, beyond awesome companion, how nice it is to see you!" he babbled incoherently until Leon whacked him around the head.

Riku merely stared at him rather blankly at the brunette and shrugged. "I know you've been experiencing some repressed feelings lately, but I don't swing that way," he spoke slowly, blinking his eyes at the (so-called) teen who whipped around, eyes huge and indignant.

"Who'd want to date an ugly mug like _you_ anyways!" Sora exploded shrilly, and Riku smirked.

"Tell me, my darling fairy companion, when was the last time you've gone on a date?" he pondered for a moment, placing a finger at his chin and looking heavenward. "It must've been around a century ago, right old man?"

There was a shriek and laughter and a thud that could've been heard by the deaf. When the dust cleared (which had coincidentally appeared somewhere in between Riku's near-decapitation and Sora's eyes being gouged out), the fairy was glaring with the intensity of, oh, say, _Leon_, and Riku was merely sprawled on the ground laughing rather ungainly for a prince. But shh, he doesn't know that yet.

"You'd think being alive since forever would make you at least a little bit stronger than me, a mere mortal!" he laughed, and the trio of fairies before him stared a little oddly. "What? I read it in a book, okay?"

Leon shook his head with the appearance of one that was world-weary. But everybody else knew that he was just weary. There was a time when Riku had stepped on his removable wings once as a child, and he went completely berserk. To this day, Aerith still keeps a syringe filled with morphine in the kitchen cabinets. But that wasn't the point.

"You," the black-decked fairy pointed at Riku, "Go pick fruit. You," he pointed at Sora, "try not to hurt yourself while washing the dishes."

And they wondered why people thought Riku was a girl. Honestly.

_Back in the forest, the animals were not happy…_

There was a reason too. One princess of Wutai was currently tearing up their land while hurling around her giant conformer, trying to hack off all the apples on a tree in one go. Well, the apples were falling, but so were other things. Birds. Branches. Eggs. Squirrels.

She was blissfully unaware of this, and continued firing her weapon rapidly around the tree and whistled a few tunes that not even a music professor would recognize. Princess? Yes. Perfect? Absolutely not.

However, she was not one to dawdle over her flaws, and so she continued her tuneless humming until an ear piercing shriek shattered the (pseudo) silence that had been formed throughout the reign of her destruction. Then she heard it again.

"What a queer scream that is," she said in wonder, and grabbed the reigns of her chocobo, mounting it quickly. "Hurry, Gondwanaland," she urged her fluffy bird, who gave a loud wark. "I want to see the pansy that screams like that!" Gondwanaland, Gond for short, warked again and turned away. "Listen you worthless piece of barbeque, take me there or else I'll shear off all of your feathers and stick you in a car wash for the next week."

Gond quickly made an about face and leapt swiftly towards the terrible screaming. Silently, the chocobo swore his revenge upon the girl riding upon his back. Someday, he thought, and had he had the capability, he would've been shaking his fist at the sky, she was going to get what she deserved for being so brutal. No more of this barbeque nonsense. No more broken promises of barley.

But right now, he would just have to wait.

_The screams continued, and the animals were frightened…_

Riku was terrified. As in, oh-my-fucking-god-I'm-about-to-wet-my-pants-mommy-please-come-save-me scared. Now, this was unusual for the teen, and in normal cases, he would've smirked at the thought of it. Not, now, however, when there were a hive of angry bees swarming around his head and he was screaming for all he was worth, running so fast that his legs became a very well-blended blur.

"I SWEAR THAT I WILL NEVER STEAL YOUR HONEY AGAIN, I SWEAR ON MY BEAUTIFUL SILVER HAIR (John Frieda, that's right) SO PLEASE JUST DON'T KILL ME!"

The bees seemed to ignore this, and despite his advertising for his hair products, John Frieda wasn't about to appear into thin air and de-frizz the buggers from existence.

"HEY LADY!" came a shout from his left. As if automated, his head turned to meet the extremely amused ones of a petite girl with short, cropped hair. What could he say: he was used to be mistaken for a girl. "THERE'S A LAKE NEARBY!"

Running straight past her, he couldn't say he wasn't surprised when she started jogging along beside him. "HOW CLOSE IS IT?" he bellowed, apparently forgetting that she was two feet away now, and as a result, he received a very angry glare before a hard shove landed itself on his back.

He fell, rather ungainly, into a pond nearby, and his toes squelched disgustingly on the sand and mud between his toes. As if realizing that the bees were now in pursuit of her, the girl jumped in as well, resurfacing quickly and watching in satisfaction as the bees slowly disappeared from sight. There was a loud gasp beside her, and she turned to greet the visage of a sopping wet Riku.

"YOU CALL THAT A LAKE?" he roared angrily, and she merely stared back at him unflinchingly.

"Well, it seemed like a lake the last time I was here," she shrugged, and pulled herself out of the water, wringing out her hair.

He followed suit, hissing slightly, "And how long ago was that?"

"I dunno. Six, seven years ago?"

He scowled. She smirked.

It was the start of a rather disturbing relationship.

**Up next: Yuffie and Riku singing duets? Kairi turning into a gigantic vicious Kirby? Leon cross dressing for fun? Yeah it's possible. That's what fanfiction's all about.**

I am sorry that it took me such a freakishly long time to finish this chapter. Just wish for more internet crashes for me; that's the thing that gets me to write.

On a totally unrelated note: I bought John Frieda conditioner and shampoo. My friends thought I should use something other than Head and Shoulders and sent me on my merry way to Wal-Mart with threats of pink.


End file.
